Most of you must be aware that at a new job you are on a six-month probation before the company decides to confirm you, if you haven’t performed, well you go back on probation. What if we could do this with babies too, six month probation, if you don’t ‘human up’ then I’m calling the stork. I can only imagine what that conversation would be like:
The following story is inspired by true events… which involves my daughter. Really.
Dad is holding the baby’s resume as the little tot is nervously twiddling her thumbs:
DAD – Hi. Good Morning. Please take a seat. No don’t roll over. Sit. Baby you need to… careful or you’ll fall over. No that’s my phone, stop taking it in your mouth. STOP IT!
BABY – Sorry, force of habit…OOOOH hair clip! (nom nom nom)
DAD – Can you… NOT! Congratulations on your six month journey in this house and… life. You are one of the millions that have made it this far. You should feel privileged.
BABY – Firstly, thank you for this opportunity. I really wasn’t planning on getting into this field but then… POOF… here I am. Are you going to eat that rattle?
DAD – You mean “PUSH!… here I am”. And no, rattles are not meant to be eaten… In your case nothing is meant to be eaten… yet!
BABY – Right, of course. (Baby starts drooling)
DAD – Can you not drool here please, this is a strictly no-drooling zone. So how was your experience here so far?
BABY – Well, this place is rather big, I mean considering where I come from. Commuting is a bit of a problem but I am yet to find my feet.
DAD – Yes… quite literally. So… I’d like to give you some feedback about your work and performance.
BABY – Sure, yeah… shoot
DAD – For starters, your sleep performance has been quite below par. Your three month target was 18 hours and you have been struggling to say the least. I mean there have been a lot of complaints from the Co-Founder: MOM
BABY – I don’t know, the environment is too noisy for me to concentrate and the mattress is a bit hard plus I just don’t feel like sleeping, you know (Baby gets on her hands and feet and lifts her butt)
DAD – Why are you lifting your butt? Just settle down, no no, just sit still. You’ll fall off the bed! Just listen to me. No those are my glasses! Ok relax! This is something else I want to talk about. You are very hyper, sometimes I feel you take on more than you can chew
BABY – I am on breastmilk, I don’t know what you are talking about (biting down on a remote control and her fingers at the same time)
DAD – How are you getting along with the other departments?
BABY – The chairperson of GRANDDAD needs to carry me around a bit more, If I need to climb the ladder then that’s the fastest way. Also the VP of GRANDMOM should spend a little more time. I also believe the founders MOM and DAD need to really pull up their socks and be a little more decisive and take me out a bit more. And don’t even get me started on the Head of AUNT; we’ve had a bit of shaky start but I believe she is quitting so I guess…
DAD – She is getting married; she’s not quitting… What are you doing? can you stop putting your toes in your mouth! So just a couple of things from my side which you need to work on. You take too many drool breaks that needs to stop; I’d much rather you put that time and effort into research. Also not everything goes in your mouth, including toes. Need to work on your communication, sometimes you are a bit incoherent and we don’t know what you want.
Ok great, that was a good chat. You are hereby confirmed, of course there are perks and benefits, for starters we can start solids with you
BABY – Great, that’s fantastic, really looking forward to insipid, boiled and mashed food vegetables and fruits. Now change my diaper!