Look who’s talking, baby

It’s such a joy to have a little baby in the house, lying on her back, releasing her unlimited supply of drool, without a care in the world. All the family members want to spend as much time with the tiny tot as possible. Babies are perhaps the best agents of destress around but that is not the only reason adults want to hang out with them.

The real reason is that you can chat away without being interrupted, but the day they do start talking and have their own opinions it’s impossible to get them to shut up. Though I have always wondered what is it that they are thinking, their decisive look is too contemplative and intelligent to merely pass off as clueless. Something must be going on in that tiny head of theirs – plotting, scheming… insulting even!

If my 4-month daughter could make use of words, this is how conversations with certain people would flow:

MOM

Mom – Baby, when you grow up, you can be what you want, we will always support you, no matter what.

Baby – OMG! You have got to be kidding! What happened to Doctor, Engineer, Lawyer? You are a relentless Indian parent, behave like one. I can’t believe you are giving ME, a girl child, all this freedom to do whatever I want, god, this is unheard of. Now, Change my diaper!

DAD

Dad – Hi sweetie! You look so fresh early in the morning…

Baby(interrupts) Dad, dad, dad… YOU have got to shave man, sometimes I don’t know if I am talking to your face or the back of your head. All that hair… really, how are people giving you jobs!? Change my diaper… WAAAAAHHHHH

AUNT

Aunt – (lovingly shakes the baby up) – Hi you little pinky baby, why are you looking so grumpy?

Baby – H—aa—EY! St—aaa—op sha—aa—ki—aa—ng ME! (aunt stops shaking). Does it say anywhere on my body ‘shake well before use?’ HUH?!? DOES IT? I am a flipping four-month-old not a juice box (aunt starts shaking again) WAA—aa—AAAAHHH—aa—AAAAAAAHHHHHH

GRANDDAD

Grandad – Hi baby, say something, come on now cutie, say something, talk to me, I know you can talk, come on, talk…

Baby – Let’s see that inheritance, then we ‘ll talk… Now take me to the mom and the dad, I need a change of diaper.

GRANDMA

Grandma – Akkkuuu… goo goo… aaawaaahhkuuu…. Hooooowooooo….hiiiiieeeeeeee…. yeeeeyaaaaa

Baby – FINALLY! Someone who can speak my language. There is a god. I ma gonna call ya bestie! Akkkuuu… goo goo… aaawaaahhkuuu…. Hooooowooooo….waaaahhhwoooooo… pppfffttttt

A few minutes later

Baby – NO NO NO! It’s goo goo… aawaaahhku… ppffftt… waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa…. huuuuhhaawhaat…  AND not… Akkkuuu… googaaaforonasj…pppfftttyy…hurrmrmmmrm… GOD at least get your grammar right grandma! Change my diaper!

GUESTS

Guest – Oh my god she is so adorable, looks just like…

Baby – Yeah yeah yeah whatever… Where is my present? No touching till I see LOTS of presents… HEYYYY WHAT DID I JUST SAY! NO TOUCHING! Mom are you just going to stand there and let this guy pull my cheeks!

Mom – Look baby it’s your uncle, my brother!

Baby – Do I look like I care! Rules are rules… No presents, no pulling cheeks

Mom – Oooh aren’t we in a mood today.

Baby – Oh just change my diaper, I ‘ll show you what mood I am in… WAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!

HER OWN REFLECTION

Mom takes her to the mirror to see how baby reacts at her own reflection.

Baby – Oh hello there hottie! I don’t see too many cute guys around here, big diaper you got there stud boy…

Mom – So cute, she is talking to herself

Baby – Wait what?!? THAT’S ME! I look like a bleeding boy! Where are my long luscious hair? Why are my ears not pierced? Why am I wearing a gender neutral onsie?! What is going on? God I look like a dude…. WAAAAAAAAAAAHHH WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH

Yeah, I am assuming that’s what they want to say. It’s good that they don’t talk early 🙂

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